Mo(o)ving Through Oklah-OM-a/ Are You O(M)K?

"MOOOOO!!!" It is the loudest bellow I can muster, but again, the bleakness swallows it up after a few echoes, twisting my stomach in knots. How long have I been walking in this direction? Am I getting further away from where I began or closer? Am I trying to go back or find a new home? Home, the thorn in my hoof...what is home? After wandering for many sunrises and sunsets, it seems I will never find a place that feels like home, and perhaps that is a good thing. The cries call out from the shadows as I march on with wobbly legs, intent on moving toward answers that have no end in sight. I can't remember the last time I saw a familiar face, any face really aside from the occasional bird who perches above to mock me or the nagging flies who nip at my heaving flesh under the sun. No...there is nothing for me, no one; still, my body lurches forward through the vast nothingness, too afraid of what might catch me in the dark if I stop. I have no home. The emptiness and misery eat away at me as I aimlessly search for anything that would suggest otherwise.

The sun grips the sand around me as it rises, radiating on the unknown. I'm not sure which is worse at this point: the darkness that eats away at my resolve by prompting more fear-inducing questions or the light that fails to clear any of them up. I let out another "MOOO!!!" but it falls on deaf ears. Shush! My father's barbed warning breaks through the silence, rattling around in my head. Do you want them to take you away, too? His face drifts further away from consciousness but his words are branded into me like the tattoo on my side. I quicken my pace on this meandering trail, hoping for any distraction to cross my line of sight to hide me from the lingering thought, but it's too late. The sunlight has exposed the idea, and now there's no escaping it. What was home? My voice tangles with my father's as I'm hauled back to a dark place: left screaming in the middle of a hysterical crowd during The Great Divide.

My hooves try to balance on the earth while I'm shoved back and forth, huddled together with countless others not out of unity but sheer terror. We are all the same to them! the panicked strangers cry around me though their provocation is not the result of surprise; they are calling to their family members with a shrill reminder: if we can blend in with the crowd, it might not be one of ours. The hopes and dreams I explored on this field in my youth are trampled under the weight of our reality. I cry out for my mother, but it's only my father pacing at my side, trying to calm me like she used to but only igniting more chaos with his words. Just keep moving! he says repeatedly. If you stop, even for a second, they will see you as nothing more than a meal. They capture you, and eat you! Still, I'm screaming loudly, wishing that someone...anyone would hear my tortured calls; this time, she's not here to soothe my aching heart. My screeching persists as the fear collides with my isolation, nearly sending me to the ground. I try fighting against the overwhelming anguish---what is the point, anymore?---as the captors close in on my quivering frame.

My memory fades to gray as I tread on my current path. My legs must have been pumping fast as my mind traveled because I recognize even less than before. I've been chewing the same cud for what seems like forever. The last time I had a decent meal was when I bumped into a small group by a pool of water. They welcomed me but there was a degree of separation that made me uneasy, so I quickly grazed then moved on. Don't bother getting to know anyone else; it just leads to more grief and pain as they disappear from your life. His words echo whenever I see another cow, and he's right. The reality settles over us like a rain-filled cloud: we are being exterminated, and there is no escape. It is our way of life. You never know when you're going to lose someone, which makes it impossible to really get to know anyone. The fear is palpable in close proximity, so it's easier to just reduce contact and live a shell of a life. Far away is the gleeful skipping with my family and friends through the fields with endless wonder of what awaits. The Great Divide chips away a piece of that innocence every time, crushing any hope for a future.

Why us? I remember asking my father shortly after he whisked us away on this wayward path, far from the fields we knew and the cows we recognized. We had been moving nonstop, with short breaks to eat and drink, but the conversation was driven forward by me and the infinite questions that crossed my mind. Where are we going? How long until we get there? Who/What are we looking for? How will we know when we find them/it? Though there was rarely a reply back, I continued following in my father's hoofsteps, hoping that answers lie wherever we were headed, just beyond the horizon where the sun set. It wasn't until I asked why this happened to us did he stop and turn back to look at me. We are cursed, he said staring into my eyes but seeing through me. We are born to suffer. We are destined to run or hide. I have been hiding all of my life because I thought it was safe for my family, but I can't stand idly by while I watch us getting shipped off one-by-one. So, I'm running. Before I could ask where we were running to, he turned and doubled his pace as the sun dipped below the earth.

"MOOOO!!!!!" I shout at the setting sun but fail to hold its attention. The shadows creep in and hold me back as much as I try chasing toward the dying light. The hills reach up into the sky and merge with the dark; the barren land disappears as the sun whispers out its last breath. I remain, alone. You can't stop in the dark. My father's warning rises from the sound of my hooves loosening the dirt. There are even more threats in the shadows! Don't forget what happened to your mother!!! I choke down another sob, cutting quickly through the gloominess. I know he hated thinking about it as much as I did, but he also knew the thought would stick with both of us, motivating us to move on despite our heavy legs. A howl cuts through the silence, and my heart skips a beat. Was that real or did I just imagine it? The singular voice is joined by another, then another, until I'm stumbling to the sound of a full ensemble of howls. Without the light, I'm lost trying to figure out where the threat is lurking. I turn in circles, but my hooves fail me. I fall to the dirt as the voices close in on me.

I wake up to the gentle touch of my mother's muzzle against my skin. We are enveloped in darkness together with a herd of friends letting sleep sweep over us. I nestle into the the nape of her neck, and my fear of the unknown wanes as I listen to the steady thump in her chest. She is beautiful and strong; in fact, both my parents have an immense power that gives me hope. My steady breathing begins lifting me to new heights, but I'm brought back down to the earth by a howl that casts a harsh shadow over the herd. My mother is up just as quickly, telling me that everything will be fine as she joins other parents around the perimeter. I slowly get up to my hooves, wiping the sleepiness from my legs, when another set of howls makes me stand at attention. I hear my mother's "MOOO!!!" among the group as they sound the alarm. Unlike The Great Divide, these raids came while the sun slept, but its effect was similar as the intruders dragged us away. The howls were echoing all around us now, and the calls of the herd were equally loud as my mother and the others prayed for protection.

Through the legs of the adults, I can see the coyotes' menacing grins. My mother, with her head lowered, is positioned to charge. There is a burst of activity behind me as several coyotes attempt to break through and grab a friend of mine, but the line of adults holds strong. The coyotes press in further, unwilling to back off despite the risk. The coyotes shift and create a gap. The adults trip over each other to protect their children. Being a little older than the rest, I'm not as much of a liability. In the scramble, though, several cows lose their footing and tip over. The coyotes strike them and their young. I do my best to ward off the snapping teeth from me and my friends. A mouth clamps down on my front leg, and I scream. Blood trickles down to the grass, fueling the coyotes' urgency to feed. My mother rushes over, headbutting the beast away from my body but in doing so, stumbles over another fallen parent. I try to reach my mother but the coyotes are immediately drawn to her cries. The tears in my eyes can't shield me from the carnage as their teeth rip at her flesh. I set myself to charge but another mother drags me by the tail, away from my mother's anguished screams. I'm trembling while running, yet I'm unable to look away from the shadows. I know she is still there, begging for another life...another soul.

"Are you OK?" My eyes shoot open to find the faces of strangers hovering over my body in the dirt. How long was I sleeping? The sun is high above my head, and the nothingness of the land is visible again. I bolt up like a bison and show them there is no need for concern. I debate chasing away immediately---there is no time to graze and chat---but my gut tells me to stick around the group for a little while longer as I collect my bearings. Perhaps they know where they're going. I move with them through the barren fields and hear their stories of loss, revenge, and inevitable submission. It seems we all suffer through the raids and separations then wonder if it's worth being left behind. Much like myself, their wandering is without a final destination since "home" brings more strife than joy. I fall back a bit and prepare to disengage completely when the leader sounds the alarm of a threat. Not wanting to fend for myself as the sun sneaks toward the horizon, I catch up to the front and take stock of the enemy: a human standing outside a death trap. I've seen similar devices carrying off my friends during The Great Divide but on a smaller scale. This could fit only one of us. It wasn't going to be me.

We remain at a standstill. The human paces around the trap, watching every step until it jumps into the device itself. Why would it do that? Then, stillness...silence. The leader makes the first move toward it and calls out that all is clear after he sniffs around the spot where the human was seen last. We join him by the trap, still leery, yet the promise of food and water nearby is impossible to resist. Darkness lengthens our shadows, but I'm having too good of a time to notice. We jump and skip together, like I did in my calf days at home. We nip each other and butt heads playfully, allowing some of the pent up frustration and fear to drain from our bodies. With each joyful leap, I grow bolder till I decide to confront the monster that took away so many loved ones, setting myself to ram the trap over and crush it. Suddenly, I catch sight of my father on the side. "MOOOOO!!!!!!" I cry out, startled by his face looking back at me. The others back away from me as I shiver and stare at the ghastly visage. An elder eventually moves next to me and looks in the direction I'm staring.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"M-m-m-my fa-fa-father..." I say back, whimpering and confused. "But...he's dead."

"Your father?" he repeats, focusing his eyes to cut through the darkness. "That's not anyone, my young friend. That's you."

"Mooo! No!" I say back, emphatically. "What do you mean?!"

He chuckles and nudges my body to the side. I turn to headbutt him hard, angry at his ignorance, but I notice that my father’s image does the same...Bewildered and exhausted, I lay down in the dirt and stare into the eyes looking back at me. Don't make the same mistakes that I did...the shadows moan as I close my eyes to stop the flow of tears.

Come on! We have to move! I call out behind me as I listen to the slowing pace of my father. He had asked me to take the lead a few sun sets ago, and though I was surprised to hear the request, I could see him struggling to maintain his original pace. It had been a while since we left our home...since he found me crying in the tall grass after my mother's tragic death...since he just barely saved me from The Great Divide. We need to get out of here or else we are as good as dead. His words from that day reverberate down my spine every time I think about stopping, every time I think about going back. There is nothing left for us here. My legs bolt faster across the dirt, trying to lift my body off the earth and into a new reality.

A hard thud mixed with a low groan halts all progress. I turn back and see my father splayed out on the ground. What happened?! We can't stop now! My words retreat as I look over his frail, depleted frame. I pace around him, nudging his body. How can I possibly do this without you? Tears stream down my face as I rub my muzzle into the top of his head, trying to will him back up to take his rightful place as my lead. This can’t be his final stop. He sucks in air, grasping for the last moments of his life. I'm not as strong as I used to be, and I've lead you down an even more dangerous path, he says through labored breaths. His eyes are glazing over, getting distant but for just a moment, settle on mine. Then, he's gone. As fast as we chased away from home, fate caught up to us just as quickly. MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I howl at the sun trying to make sense of any of this torture. It glares back at me as I search its face for an answer, but before I can find what I'm looking for, fear moves my legs on their lonesome trail. You can't stop...I can't stop...my father's voice blends with mine between my ears, and the next time I look back, I see nothing but a meager speck on the edge of the horizon.

"MOO!" I hear in the distance as my eye lids unveil my dreary reality: it's still dark, I'm alone again, and the sun is ready to burst into the sky, sure to reveal even more suffering and grisly truths on my path. I look around and consider letting the beasts find me for their next meal, when I hear the strange "MOO!" again. It doesn't sound like any I've heard before, so I get up and twist around to find the source. At the top of a hill, I see the captor sitting and facing toward the horizon where the sun is about to rise. Why is he calling like that? Is this a trap? It must be! Why else would it make those noises? I close my eyes and prepare for an attack when I hear a low, reverberating hum---"Om"---coming from the hilltop. What was it doing now? I open my eyes to see the human grasping its chest while looking out at the sky. I turn around just as the sun peaks over the earth, basking the land in brightness.

So often on this journey, my legs pumped in the opposite direction to avoid the harsh reality exposed by the sun, but when I finally stop moving, I see the light. The rays gently kiss my face and brush across my body. My memory wanders back to the first time I recognized this beautiful radiance. I was with my friends and family, rolling around in the grass while the sun sat high overhead, casting its light on the perfection of the moment. Home...The thought moves through my head, but this time it isn't wrapped in the same darkness as before, causing me to chase away. I can't run away from it nor will I ever find any peace in trying to escape it; home has been following me ever since I left. Perhaps some terrible fate awaits, like my father warned, but home is where I first recognized my self...my joy. "You need to listen to your own voice," I say aloud, startled at the power of my assertion. Like everyone around me, I've spent so long running and hiding that I lost track of my self in the shuffle. I breathe deeply and let out an "Ommmmmm" of my own. There is still hope, I consider, gazing up at the sun for protection and guidance. I just need to remember where to find it.

Mo(o)ving Through Oklah-OM-a/ Are You O(M)K?

Alabaster Caverns State Park

Black Mesa State Park