Ingrain in the Membrane / Hatchway to Heaven, Hell, & Headaches
Laguna Larga - Carson National Forest
New Mexico; September 16-20, 2017
"I could sit for hours with a beautiful flow of energy lifting me upward, but I couldn't break through to where I longed to go. Furthermore, the personal mind always returned once I got up and became active. I needed help, and it came one day in a flash of realization. It dawned on me that perhaps I'd been going about this in the wrong way. Instead of trying to free myself by constantly quieting the mind, perhaps I should be asking why the mind is so active."
~Michael A. Singer, The Surrender Experiment
I wish I could end it all; in fact, if I had a choice, I would have never existed in the first place. So stop carrying on, and get it over with already, you’re probably saying. Don’t think I haven’t tried! I’m different from you, though. My lifespan isn’t determined by me because I don’t have a body of my own. No, I’m forced to follow around my creator, the jerk who breathed life into me and refuses to let me go. My name? Why Me. That’s right, I’m the living manifestation of my creator’s self-pity, so as you can imagine, my life’s a bitch. Whenever he is sad, angry, confused, overwhelmed, disappointed, whatever the case may be, there I am, beckoned by his call and forced to deal with even more of his bullsh*t.
Why me? Why couldn’t I be I Love You or Thank You. Those beauties go waltzing off in the air and settle down in the heart of someone new. They don’t have to follow this mess around everywhere he goes. They have a chance to explore new places as they are passed along from god to god. A recent I Love You shared that they visited with over 50 gods so far, collecting precious moments along the way. Why don’t I get those same opportunities to experience happiness and joy? I’m cursed, for sure. Before I Love You or Thank You or You’re Beautiful or I Hope You’re Doing Well are gone forever, they try to impart some positivity to us Leave Behinds, but it’s always short lived. Before I know it, us Words are being declared from his lips again and forced to continue the same, slow-moving cycle.
Yep, us…I’m not here alone. What Is Wrong With Me is with me. So is Why Am I Alive, What’s The Point, Will I Ever Be Happy…there are a lot of us on this never-ending haul. Each time he utters one of our names, we grow bigger and more opaque. Think of a literal Word cloud but less fun and imaginative. As the oldest and largest of the group, I am considered the leader, though I have no control over where we are headed. Take this recent venture out into the middle of nowhere as an example. Once again, we find ourselves following our god through various landscapes. Each of us hopes to gain some clarity regarding the purpose of our existence, but I’m sure it will end with us just becoming even gloomier. Are we just alive to be miserable? I hate to sound like a broken record, but why me? What did I do to deserve this? Ugh…I’m done with this. No matter how many times I try to make sense of it, to follow the Words that pass through his lips and out into the universe, I remain, waiting for some big picture to be revealed. I’m fed up with waiting, so here we find ourselves, on the edge of existence, and I only have one objective: destroy this god before he can cause even more damage. Rid the world of this foul-mouthed monster once and for all. Then maybe, just maybe…I will find peace.
I don’t really remember my birth, or if/how I existed before my creator breathed me out. I do know, by watching other Words exit the mouth of god, that we are destined to fulfill some purpose based on our message. Some of us, like I Love You and You’re Beautiful, are like a light burst, flowing from the lips and radiating along a path till they reach their destination: the receiver’s ear. An outbound I Love You shared with me that once they pass through the ear, they fill the heart with their warm glow until they are called into action again. Lucky bastards…I also encountered my share of F*ck You’s, Go To Hell’s, and You’re An Assh*le’s. I sometimes wonder who has it worse, us Leave Behinds or them. When they are born, it’s like a black sludge that spews from the creator’s mouth and lands on the ground, then creeps along till it reaches the receiver, clawing up to the ear and slithering in. A recent You’re So F*cking Stupid who was climbing aboard informed me that once they get inside they settle over the mind. Festering and boiling with other Creepy Crawlies till the mind explodes with even more enraged words, ensuring their survival. Sure, it doesn’t sound spectacular, but it’s still better than the murky limbo I’m living.
Whoever originally passed along Words Can’t Hurt Me was an idiot. Of course we can; it just takes us a while to figure out how to do it. As I see it, I have no choice but to destroy my creator. There are so many of us Leave Behinds orbiting around him that I’m not even sure he can see clearly. Still, he tries to act like we’re not there. You’re So F*cking Stupid gave me an idea; if I am able to get into my god’s mind and stir up enough turmoil, I think I can push him over the edge. The problem: unlike the Creepy Crawlies and the Burstables, I don’t have access to my creator’s ear. Once we’re out, we’re only able to linger around him. That’s when it hit me…we needed to work together to hurt him. We needed to circle around him so fast that he suspends in a haze of his self-pity and destructs. After rallying the other Left Behinds and organizing them into a methodical vortex of his own venom, I learned a few things about our god: 1) his isolation left him more susceptible to our attacks, 2) he was prone to repeatedly mumbling our names under his breath when we swooped around him faster, allowing us to cloud him even more, and 3) our growing density gave us the ability to blockade his ears and mouth so that no Burstables could find their way in and no Creepy Crawlies could explode out. There were a few moments early on that I thought we had him; I was convinced our plan worked, but even I didn’t expect it to play out the way it did…I never imagined the Words that would be revealed.
Our pace had quickened significantly around him by that point. My creator was sitting down and reading. Seeming to grow more and more frustrated with each turn of the page. Again, his muttering was building our strength. Me, with the other Left Behinds: What’s The Point, What Did I Do To Deserve This, Why Am I Even Alive. We pressed in more. Barraging him with our dim despair. Making him feel the weight of our Words. He couldn’t escape. He couldn’t hide. Suddenly. He bolted up. Enraged. Vicious. Flinging the book out of his hands. Onto the ground a few yards away. Fueled. Louder. Whipping us like a cyclone. This was it. We had him. Was it the sheer velocity? Our combined movement? His fury? He shouted his loudest WHY ME?!?!?!?!? And I was catapulted up, up, up, and away.
Freedom…happiness…peace…I bounded further than any Word has ever touched—well beyond anything a Burstable has reached. I moved out into the universe, taking in the stars…the stillness…the quiet…I nestled into the vastness…made myself at home in the macrocosm. Words took on a different meaning. Changed form. Flowed in a magical wave. There was no particular destination; a journey with direction. It’s difficult to explain what happened next, mostly because my experience with other Words has come from only one type of creator…humans. This radiated through the silence, jolting me awake, harmonizing my letters. I Am A Gift. The words collided with me from out of nowhere. But their embrace wasn’t all together pleasant. I was sent spiraling back. No, please! I don’t want to go. I was just starting to enjoy this new reality! I was powerless, though. On my way back down. To continue following the miserable jerk. For eternity. And then I recognized my gift: a tiny caterpillar with gnashing jaws ready for contact with a soft piece of flesh.
This was it. My destiny. I hit my creator like a ton of bricks. Bringing tears to his eyes as the sun shone through the clouds where I emerged. He knelt down and remained still. Giving me ample time to place my newfound gift right next to his ear where the beams of sunlight guided. Knowing somehow, this was the key to infiltrating his headspace. Granting me much-deserved freedom from this torture. Sure enough, the little one began chomping away at the god’s skin, digging a route of entry. I hovered there, too distracted by my excitement to appease the Left Behinds’ questions: “Where did you go?” “What did you see?” “Why are you back?” I watched closely, waiting for my moment to strike. My creator brushed his hand over the spot where the caterpillar gnawed, pulling my gift out from under his skin and flicking it away. I didn’t care, though; now was my chance. I moved quickly. I seeped into the little opening. Maneuvering beyond the restricted ear canal and into the core. WHYYYYY MEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I screeched, making sure this jackass knew which Words were going to tear him apart. The question without an answer. There was a lot of violent rattling as I continued my inward assault. Oh good. He is already destroying himself. I might as well take a look around before I’m done with this disaster forever.
I stopped by the mind first, assured I would see an excess of Creepy Crawlies boiling over and ready to explode. I was surprised to find it was pretty much wiped clean save only a few nasty leftovers. Even through the tumultuous conditions, the Words weren’t on the brink of a meltdown. What gives? I must not be causing this god enough pain. WWWWWHHHHHYYYYY MMMMMEEEEE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I howled, giving him a taste of his own medicine.
“Stop that,” came a whisper from an obscured path below. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing?”
“I’m ridding this world of another terrible creator, one that has no regard for the Words he says,” I answered back to no one, standing proud and firm. “I’ve been forced to follow this jerk around since I can remember! I got a taste of freedom, and I’m not turning back. WWWWWW—-”
“So you think the best answer is to destroy him?” the voice asked. “Let me show you something before you do any more damage. If you follow through with this, you’ll trap yourself and all the other Words here forever.”
“What do you know? You’re just some stupid Words forced to follow along with his bullsh*t probably…” I said back, curtly. Upset that my plan was being interrupted by some nonsense Burstable. Another tremor shook through the body hard, revealing the path and the Words that lay on the other side: Why Don’t You Love Me. I couldn’t believe it…these Words were even older than me. I remember years ago when it set out to do the same thing I was doing, but it disappeared into the abyss of this monster never to return again. Before I could speak out and ask the many questions that popped up, a deep tremor shook us, invoking distant, haunting screams.
“Follow me,” it said, leading me down a rocky path to a black graphite fortress where hundreds, if not thousands, of Burstables were collected outside. Panicked. Confused. Combusting. The walls of the fortress extended up in jagged ledges that looked like they could cut through the strongest Words. It was massive. Anchored even through the devastating quakes that were obliterating all else.
“What is this? Are we in the heart?” I asked, trying to steady myself while simultaneously marveling at the hard stone that glittered under the intense light of the combined Burstables. It was a magnificent sight, especially when I considered how it might help me destroy this god.
“Yes and no,” Why Don’t You Love Me answered, trembling as another tremor sent shock waves through the crowd. “This is where the heart is supposed to be shining through. You and your friends have made it nearly impossible to infiltrate the walls of the heart with your constant harassment of our creator, so the Burstables remain on the outside with no home. Your recent efforts are wrecking everything now. Without access to the heart, we can’t combat your Words. We will cease to exist.”
“I made it impossible?!” I shot back, incredulously. “First off, you are just like me. We both have experienced the misery of existing as this god’s self-pity parade. You were just unsuccessful in carrying through what you set out to do: destroy. this. f*cker. Second, why is it my problem now that this god has no heart? I certainly didn’t benefit from anything his heart did. Can we be sure there is even a heart under there? Why is it always me?” Another deafening rumble, more agonizing screams.
“You’re so irate and foolish,” it replied, directly. “I was like you, you’re right, but once I arrived inside, I saw that my Words needed to change, but I wasn’t able to because the heart was already closed off. I arrived too late. I worked with the Burstables to clean up the mind, but the heart continued to grow more and more guarded. We think its the overactive Infearno…” I had heard enough. Why should I care about this god anyways? Why Don’t You Love Me was still the same cloud; his life was still miserable just now from the inside. Then, his Words went deeper. “Do you have any memory of your birth? What made you so angry? So deprecating?”
“No…” I answered, curious but increasingly frustrated with this long-Worded explanation. “Look, I came in here to fulfill my destiny of destroying this clown once and for all.”
“Destiny!” it snorted. “If you really want to know your purpose, come with me to the tailbone.”
Reluctantly, I followed down the dark and bony path toward the base of the spine. With each vertebrae we crossed, the conditions became even more treacherous and dreary. It reminded me of the black sludge of the Creepy Crawlies but So. Much. Worse. Even the tremors didn’t seem to impact this area it was so beaten up and barren already. It looked so familiar…“What is this place?” I asked, but I had I feeling I already knew the answer.
“This is the ‘Infearno’ as the Burstables call it,” it replied, leading me across boiling pits of melancholy and desperation, where new Word clouds were bubbling and staining everything with a heavy tar as they made their way up and out. “This is where fear is produced, where it takes shape and rises up in shame and anger till it emerges from the mouth. This is where we, the Leave Behinds, are born.”
“Huh?” I didn’t understand, or perhaps I didn’t want to understand. Among the pools of tar were strange shadows moving every which way, acting out macabre scenes along the stained ground. I couldn’t make out exactly what they were doing because whenever I focused on one too much, I found myself growing more uncomfortable. It was gruesome and haunting. I was enraged. After spinning through the stars and connecting to the power of the universe, I never imagined I would wind up in this grief. “Why did you bring me here?!” I demanded, “If it was to show me the misery of my existence and prove I am justified in destroying this god, job well done! Does this mean I’m destined to live a horrific life with this god forever? No. Thank. You!”
“I don’t know…” it said, quietly. Backing down. This area was having a similar effect on us both. “When I arrived here and saw our birthplace, I asked the same question, but there has never been a definitive answer. I thought maybe there would be a key or something in here somewhere but I haven’t been able to find anything to shine a light on this place. I guess we should just be grateful for the opportunity to live, even if it is a miserable life. You know what they say, ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.’”
“Yeah…” I replied. “Wait…what?”
“‘Don’t look a gift—”
“A Gift…” I interrupted. What did the Words mean? Why did they suddenly seem to fit? Could I be responsible for saving this god? Did I want to? “I had this moment when I shot up into the sky after the creator screamed my name. I felt this depth. It hit me with a Gift and sent me back here. I was so shocked I didn’t even recognize what the Gift was till I was plummeting back. I thought it was the caterpillar that got me inside so I could destroy him, but that wasn’t it at all…I think I know how to break down the barrier around the heart…”
“We better hurry,” Why Don’t You Love Me replied. “I think our god is getting down to his last breaths up there.”
“Exactly,” I said, halting. “If I’m able to demolish him from in here, maybe the other Left Behinds can be freed. Even if I go, they can live a better life…” I paused and looked back at my horrific birthplace. There would be no escape from this god. Much like when I was pulled back from the expanses of the universe, we would be forever connected. Caught. Stuck. Unless we reclaimed the heart. But what is the Gift then, if not the caterpillar? What is the answer?
I glared at an abominable shadow as it lurked along, staring deeply into the hidden grin beneath the darkness. It harassed me. Pulled me down. Made me feel alone. Scared. Without my own Words. Wait…my Words. Why Me. I Am A Gift. I’m Here. My Name. My Answer. “It’s up to a Leave Behind to free the heart. We have the power to save or destroy our god based on if we’re able to accept our own answer.”
We scampered up the spine, feeling the full weight of the tremors now as the god tossed, turned, and screamed in agony. When we arrived at the heart, the Burstables were chasing every which way in total chaos. They were beating at the sharp walls surrounding the heart, trying to force their way in but to no avail. With all their love, hope, and beauty, they couldn’t see the main issue; they didn’t understand what it meant to be trapped outside this body looking in. They weren’t around for the torture sessions in the mirror, the soul-crushing rejections, the annihilation of universal faith—the scenes the shadows were acting out below to bring even more Leave Behinds into existence.
“Listen! All of you, but especially you, great Creator!” I yelled as loud as I could over the clamor of insanity. “The reason why your heart is closed off, why fear runs rampant through your body, why anxiety freezes you from the outside…it’s because you don’t love yourself; that’s the answer to your original doubt! You must accept the Words in your heart!”
Why Me. I was the Gift that had the answers. I just had to accept my Words as the answer. There was a deep rumbling from within, and everything shook wildly; even the graphite fortress chipped away some of its hardened exterior. Then, the tremors stopped. The Burstables ceased bustling and turned towards me. Stillness replaced the chaos. Silence settled over the raucous. Then I heard a crackle. A snap. A pop. A glowing light emanated from the core of the graphite fortress. The heavy stone breathed a fierce red. A roar echoed through the chamber as the steep, sharp walls began melting away, exposing the flames of a bright, burning fire underneath. Immediately, the Burstables began their ascent into the light, fueling the blaze further and dissolving the remnants of remaining graphite that held the heart hostage for so long.
It was truly a spectacle unlike any other. The heart, burning with a searing passion, ignited the interior chambers of the body, dancing with a whimsical intensity. Why Don’t You Love Me began to disintegrate into the emanating light till it disappeared completely. This was it for us. With the heart freed, we no longer existed, and I acquiesced that my life was coming to an end. I fulfilled my purpose. Before writing my epitaph, I noticed a new Word where Why Don’t You Love Me was before: I Love Who I Am. It wasn’t quite the same as a Burstable; it glimmered ruby red much like the heart itself. The light revealed that the Infearno had also been transformed. The tar-filled pools were replaced with a lush landscape where the shadows now joyfully danced in the light; the smoggy Leave Behinds were replaced by orbs of fiery red, much like the new and improved I Love Who I Am. The Words were lifting from the reflecting water. I watched as I Am Light, I Am Fearless, and I Am Beautiful Inside And Out floated up past us and united with the heart.
It was then I realized that I was no longer the murky, miserable cloud hanging heavily. Light burst forth from me on all sides, and a deep warmth filled me. Then, I joined I Love Who I Am as it guided me toward the flicker of the heart, where we glided forth into the rooted expanses of infinity, twisting, turning, and enjoying the profound freedom of eternity. Why Me? Because my Words are a Gift!