What is Defusing Negative Energy & Stress?
To keep occupied through shelter-in-place, I’ve made myself comfortable trying to defuse the stressful situations of those I love. I’m relatively fine, why not impart some positivity even if it’s not how I feel? As proven in the past, it’s a surefire distraction, and sometimes it lifts me out of a negative tailspin. Sometimes. Unfortunately, through all the FaceTime and Zoom calls, I can’t help but feel the drag of distance. Why is connecting over a screen so difficult?! I should be used to it! Despite efforts to fake it till I make it, I’m flooded by waves of stress that curl me into the fetal position. Throughout the day, it’s like the walking dead moving from one activity to the next without going anywhere. It follows into the night when the nothingness catches up to my dreams, disrupting sleep patterns and making mornings unbearable. Dammit! What more do I need to do to be rid of this overriding negativity?! I’ve resolved childhood trauma, identified the evil eye, made peace with things I can’t change, redefined happiness, and even planted a tree where former dreams are buried. All those words, and still the stress surrounds me, beating me into submission.
As a kid—(gay) only child alert!—I had a collection of stuffed animals that comforted me in stressful situations. Of course, those youthful concerns were no concern; still, my furry followers reminded me that silence and stillness were my friends, not enemies. Their beady, unblinking eyes saw the courage in my heart, inspiring me to express the positive energy that emitted from my soul even if it got me in trouble. Where are those stuffed animals now? My formidable former inner circle is most likely obliterated. Burned. Disintegrated. No longer recognizable as the allies they once were. This is why Toy Story 3 had me wailing.
After phasing out my stuffed sidekicks (and other stereotypically gay behavior), stress weighed on me differently. An emotional wall was erected to protect my positivity from external determent; in effect, it blockaded my heart and caused negativity to compound with no escape aside from boiling up and out. It isolated me from others, trapping me in a cycle of secrecy and anger I’ve chronicled WAY too many times not to be over it. Still, reviewing previous entries, it’s the pattern I’ve come to love: hatching a question, giving doubt space to interrupt, getting stuck in whichever words will answer, then losing track of time and space when catching up to what I meant to say. It’s an overwhelmingly isolating process that buries me deeper in layers of negativity.
Fortunately, a new inner circle of people with beady, unblinking eyes took shape, those who see me for all the words I am and all the words I’m not and still read enough between the lines to tolerate me. We put in the work to reach new levels of trust and vulnerability; although heart-wrenching at times, each moment together resolves that nagging negativity, because we accept the positive answers in our hearts more readily. But this social distancing has me stressed the f*ck out. When will I see my loved ones again? How can we share in those times we took for granted? Why is this happening?! The more unanswerable questions I ask, the more uncontrollably vulnerable I feel, which makes my anxiety and stress a hazard for anyone within 6 ft. Maybe this stay-in-place ordinance is really the universe’s way of saying I’m far-flung from getting in touch with any lasting positivity…
Gross. That sums up how everything feels if I don’t berate myself to come up with a more profound answer. Take this series, What’s in a Name?, for example. I’ve responded to 20 of The 72 Names of God so far through The Name Game. The original intent was to explore the rooted, branching concepts that took shape after my journey southwest through the lens of this particular sacred code, using the words discovered along the way to grow into a more spiritually-centered being. Games are supposed to be fun, though, right? Now, at the start of my 21st name—aptly, Defusing Negative Energy & Stress—I realize how much I’ve recycled the same words. How often the same questions pop up and clutter my headspace. How often I open the door for negativity and welcome it in just to feel something. Gross. I know. Imagine seeing it everyday, written out in your handwriting, word after word.
To defuse this run-on story, I released Yehuda Berg’s words loose in my head: “According to Kabbalah we all have a spiritual field of energy that extends a little more than seven feet from our bodies…Whenever this field is charged with negative or stressed-out energy, we find ourselves in a lower state of being…Unpleasant places and gloomy people influence our lives when we come into close contact with them. Our personal space is violated, charged with disturbing energy detrimental to our well-being” (65). How did he know? After giving him a hard time in Never Enough because of the verbose chase he lead me on, Berg and I understood each other. His explanation even included social distancing measures. Maybe this will take less than 3,000 words! My inner circle is heard cheering. Berg’s “Purifying Light,” which rids us of any lingering negative vibes, is just what I need.
Based on the tree model for the promised land I set up in Never Enough, I see where the purifying light is…just out of reach of my branches. A little taller, maybe. However, with all this COVID negativity, I can’t help doubling over. “According to the Kabbalah…” Berg hovers close to whisper. That’s it! This entire series I’ve been attempting to answer questions without any religious context of Kabbalism—sorry to anyone I may have offended; I make it about me and expect the right words to be delivered to positivity’s door. Without a clear place to start, I Googled “Kabbalah” and “The 72 Names of God” and found The Kabbalah Center, where the words seemed the most organized, though I couldn’t understand most of them. Zohar Connections? Luminous Emanations? I was going to need some help navigating, so I requested a consultation with a teacher, using the blank comment box to share my journey with The 72 Name of God so far and request information about daily practices aligned with these names.
Feeling positive about the step, I clicked around and found their teachers. Hm…lots of Bergs, no Yehuda’s. Fueled by boredom, my search continued outside their site where the truth was revealed: the authoritative voice for this series was involved in a scandal with a student who he tried to drug and sexually assault 6 years ago. WTF?!?! How did I not see this coming? Why are men with any level of power so quick to abuse it? What do I do now with this series?! More questions, fewer answers. Unfortunately, the response from the Kabbalah Center wasn’t much help either; basically, “thanks for sharing, sign up for our $150 course.” I thought the words to defuse negativity and stress would be brighter; now, I don’t want to be phrased within 7 feet of Berg, Kabbalah, and all it represents. Without my inner circle close enough to help me see the light, I’m on my own again. In the foulest mood. Ready to furiously explode at the next person who tells me to “just stay positive.” $#!%! $#!%! $#!%!!!!!
Goodness Knows
We’re nearing 1,250 words, and I’m blocking out expletives; not a good start in the quest for positivity, spirituality, or succinctness. In my defense, words are how I derive meaning; how I center my body, mind, and soul. The more words I use to define, the more protected I feel in my definition. Positivity should operate the same way, right? Embracing myself in affirming words and not letting them escape. Despite my irritation with Berg, his description of the 7 foot spiritual field triggered something other than thoughts of social isolation: Glinda, the “good” witch from The Wizard of Oz, floating down from the clouds in her dazzling bubble. I couldn’t help but be swept away by her sparkling smile and resplendent beauty. ‘Are you a good witch or a bad witch,’ you say? Glinda’s positive aura gave every word she spoke extra weight, initiating a technicolorful dance sequence in the town square that lead to the liquidation of her enemy.
If I could see myself through that bubble, maybe I wouldn’t battle so hard through the waves of doubt on this spiritual quest, questioning the way every word should be worded with Yahweh. Appealing for alliterations even when it doesn’t dovetail. With a slight smirk, I pinpoint how playing with phrasing is pious positivity at play. Sorry, I’ll stop. Our words, with the ideas they convey, images they evoke, and lessons they teach, are able to defuse negativity and stress. And our heartfelt connection to those words can create a bubble of positive energy that emanates from our core and extends out. Sure, I understand how words work, but why 7 feet? Good question…
Berg, with his Purifying Light, has a way of making everything seem so black and white. Yet, his actions make me see red; how the $#!% is he going to preach at me when he’s coasting in grayspace?! Positivity, remember! To avoid going color blind with negativity, I refresh my palate with the vibrant aspects of soulful integrity. And just. like. that: positivity prevails. I see that “7 feet” is the Imperial reading; Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, and Hinduism use their own words to measure the 7th heaven qualities of spiritual wholeness. Of those concepts, the 7 chakras resonate most with me. Go figure! The gay guy picks the rainbow-bright path to positivity. Tracking back to the karmic code, though, I see it’s more than just the colors that emit outward; fearlessness, maturity, sensuality, joyfulness, confidence, peacefulness, and integrity give meaning to the rainbow. These 7 aspects of being permeate the universe when we share the words that support their growth in the light. Furthermore, we defuse negativity more readily when viewing situations through this technicolor bubble, pushing positivity to the forefront of each experience from the inside out.
No one mourns
Unsure where to float my bubble next, I turn back to Berg’s imagery of the energy field and am reminded of another fictional character: Violet Beauregarde. Remember her? When her body ballooned and her skin became her namesake, did you feel sorry for Violet? If you’re like me, it felt good to see the self-centered kids get their comeuppance throughout Willy Wonka/Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. It seems that those who ooze negative energy cause a lot of stress, and it’s applauded when they’re punished. However, this worldview was challenged when I saw Wicked and realized how evil could be positively disguised; how it could be used to make me a mindless munchkin. Moreover, the show demonstrated how words can override our meaning and destroy our rainbow-bright destiny. And just like that…the bubble popped.
Quite frankly, my positivity is more fragile than I’d like to admit, hence why it’s covered up in wordy pop culture references. It feels like, in one moment I’m breathing comfortably in the bubble; the next, I’m choking down negativity. But here’s the thing, who cares? With everything happening in the world, what does one person’s positivity really do? Besides, I spew more negative energy than positive, and this causes stress for others. Maybe you should be the one rolled behind factory doors…I guarantee there is applause whenever the words in my head are waging war, leading me to meander in the minefield of meaning. $#!%! Again, there is a sinking feeling toward nothingness while sorting out spirituality, positivity, and the words in between. How can I be more of a Charlie?
With a sip of fizzy lifting drink (or something like that), I recognize how Charlie was able to reach a level of trust and respect with Willy Wonka by the end. Our inner circles grow stronger when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable through the less positive aspects of our reality; when we express the fragile, destructive, insecure, enraged, detached, immature, and fearful dimensions of how we feel. That doesn’t mean $#!%’ing about it all day long; rather, by using words that flow from our core, we defuse lingering negativity and boost our fearlessness, maturity, sensuality, joyfulness, confidence, peacefulness, and integrity. This leads to more resilient positivity from pointless pricks. Plus, it connects our technicolor bubbles together, well beyond 7 feet, to ensure our positivity doesn’t float too close to the fan.
There’s no place like home
As I prepare to say goodbye to Michigan after an extended stay, I can’t help but feel that the word “home” has shifted in meaning as a result of this stay-in-place experience. Previously, I thought of home as a physical space, a place you return to when you need to be reminded who you are. Then, I thought it was being in the presence of an inner circle, basking in their iridescent bubbles and shining rainbow bright myself. Unfortunately, neither version of home was readily accessible through COVID. And Berg was too busy being excommunicated. Well, it may not be much to look at from your perspective, but here’s what I learned about positivity-in-place…
When we recognize ourselves as a source of positive energy, “home” is redefined as a space within and around us that defuses negativity. Our aura, which includes our words, actions, and values, grows more powerful when we reflect on how it adapts through significant change. Through the process, we discover the ability to change our meaning based on how we perceive the world, but we must exist beyond a self-centered consciousness. This produces persevering positivity that can weather any wearing witchiness.
4WB: For a very long time, I’ve been a diehard fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race, never imagining that when a member of my inner circle introduced me to it, I would ever feel at “home” enough to explore drag on my own. Each season, I grew more intrigued by the gender fluidity and characterization of the queens, but whenever the idea of having my own drag persona sprouted, negativity was there to stomp it. Now, thanks to my quarantine family, I feel like I have finally blossomed. That’s not to say I’m edging for a spot on RDR next season; rather, this experience allowed me to bare my soul without resigning to a negative place. Without any other words to defuse it, I can only point to these photos as a clear demonstration of radiant positivity where there was only closeted negativity before. If I turned it around, so can you! Stay hopeful!
