What is Happiness?
With each standing ovation, I found myself getting more and more aggravated. He isn’t even saying anything! Are they even listening?! It didn’t matter; I was quickly realizing that the State of the Union Address wasn’t about the president discussing his plans to bridge the widening gaps of our society, whether they be based in race, socio-economics, gender, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. Nor did I hear an alignment with a global vision toward stronger democracy and collaboration, more transparent government and financial processes, eco-friendly and trauma-informed policy-making, or increased support for mental health. Still, there he was, smiling away as his peers applauded his words that really said nothing. He must be so happy with himself…His perceived glee added to my unhappiness, making me consider the world I came back to, the one that continues to separate me from feeling like my whole self despite whatever level of clarity I reach within.
I had to get away. Fortunately, there was a trip already in the books: sunny San Diego with a brief stay-over in Mexico. It was just the boost I needed. While the lower temperatures had me rethinking all the summer clothes I packed, the beautiful setting provided the perfect backdrop for an array of activities that centered my mind, body, and soul. This balance didn’t come easily, though, as I found myself up against some unexpected physical and emotional obstacles. Still, thanks to the love and support of those who were with me during the trip, I regained my footing and felt whole again by the end. I was happy; even better, my friends’ words, smiles, and laughs all indicated that they had an enjoyable time too. It was on the tip of each of our tongues, and we reveled in the opportunity to share it. Had we solved the mystery of eternal happiness just like we had sleuthed our way out of the Abandoned Basement Escape Room? Would I no longer find myself trapped in the prison of my own unhappiness without a clue?
It wasn’t long before that gross feeling—unhappiness—confronted me again. First, it came when we were in the Uber; our driver, who was unaware that he had a gay man and two lesbian women in his car, talked in circles about how aggressive gay men are when trying to pick him up as a straight man. I know how women must feel was his unsolicited response to the experience, and though I could not see my friends’ eyes, I imagine we shared several collective eye-rolls throughout the ride to the airport. It wasn’t enough to topple this newfound happiness, though. Yes, we would be leaving San Diego with this overly-opinionated man as our last memory all together; still, it would be something we could laugh at later. Unfortunately, unhappiness hangs like a weight. It distorts like the loss of a contact lens. After we said our goodbyes and vowed to share in our joy more often regardless of our physical distance, the bad news began to pour in.
The previous night (Tuesday), we went for an excursion in San Diego, riding down the streets of the city via motorized scooters, our smiles stretching ear to ear. About 5 minutes away from our destination—an escape room—a 29-year-old man “unleashed a barrage of bullets” into a restaurant around the same time we were laughing along our merry way. Though no one was killed, the news reported that the suspect had posted something homophobic on social media prior to the shooting. Holy sh*t…that’s right where we were Monday. The weight of unhappiness hung heavier as my vision grew blurrier. How would I ever be happy again if something would have happened to my friends? What if…It was ok; I didn’t need to consider alternate realities. We were all fine outside of the shooter, of course, and those who lived through the experience at the restaurant. I can still be happy! No one was killed!
Then, more bad news…5 people were killed in Aurora, Illinois on Friday after an employee who had been let go open fired on his former colleagues. This included an intern who was there for his first day. My happiness was torn apart. How can anyone be joyful during times like this? I lost my balance, causing me to seek out feeling whole again through temporary fixes. As is so often the case, this lead me away from that point of true holiness. For me, holiness means the alignment of my mind, body, and soul with the universal values of faith, love, compassion, and hope. This is where I believe eternal happiness exists, but…how does this look in the real world of suffering and death?
“If you’re happy and you know it…” The childhood song makes it sound so easy, right? With the clap of my hands or the stomp of my feet, I can wipe out any unhappiness that may be lingering in my mind. Sure…good luck, Matt. Yet, when I really think about it—when I’m mindful of the present moment—happiness does feel that easy. I mean, it was only a week ago I was sharing with friends that if I were to have any life of my choice, it would be the life I’m currently living, give or take a few minor things. Why is it so difficult to sustain that happy feeling, then? Yehuda Berg delivers me a red-letter day via The 72 Names of God: “Too often we confuse temporary pleasure with enduring happiness because the trappings of the physical world are highly seductive and potent. When we are able to distinguish between the two, we will find true happiness. Pleasure is usually associated with egocentric desires, whereas happiness is linked to the longings of the soul” (147). Hooray! That’s what I’ve been focusing my energy on—sharing my soul—and I must say, I have never felt happier in my life. However, being mindful can be a double-edged sword. While I can feel the happiness pouring out of me and see it reflecting back from others, I can also feel how I’m holding back my whole self and see how this negatively impacts my happiness, balance, and relationships. Even worse: I know that the heavy blurriness of being unhappy is within my control, putting it back on my shoulders to figure out what I need versus what I want. It seems so overwhelming, though. Where do I even start? What if…Stop! Focus! If I’m happy, and I know it…
Clap my hands
When considering the things that make me happy, I’m off to a promising start seeing as how I can better recognize the things that connect me to my soul compared to the temporary fixes/momentary pleasures that cement my heart down and blind me from seeing the damage I’m doing to my happiness. I applaud the times I’ve said no to the alcohol, drugs, sex, sugar, TV, sleep, work, etc. that block me from expressing my holiness; I’m even able to smile when I think about the times I’ve remained balanced despite whatever chaos is occurring around me. However, when I go to make eye contact with MATTHEW in the mirror, that slow clap doesn’t start as easily. “If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it…” Does my face surely show it? After looking back through old photos, I noticed something interesting: my smile changed since childhood. Of course, Matt! You’ve aged! I think there’s more to it…When I look back in the mirror, I notice my happiness doesn’t seem to shine as bright. But, I know I’m happy…Who is this stranger in the mirror, then, and what is with his RBF?
“You know you’re gay, right?” Her question was confusing, to say the least; that it was asked at the beginning of high school made it even more complicated to answer. After all, she barely knew me; she was in the peripheral of my life, adding little jabs in with her friends whenever I was caught expressing my happiness too exuberantly. Name call it what you will, smiling made me feel good. The harsh words that rained down didn’t compare to the bright joy that came from sharing my whole self, especially when I saw the smiles and heard the laughs of those who accepted my happiness.
Her question, though, stuck out like a chipped tooth…what did I do that made me so obviously gay as to be pinpointed by someone I barely knew and then be confronted about it? I’ve written a lot about my intersections with masculinity/femininity, sexuality, and identity; this interaction, in particular, shifted the happiness that came with being gay (or is it the other way around?) into a shameful thing, something that needed to be hidden. As a result, my smile began to fade away from the light as I saw in the mirror how it made me a target. I became aware of my soulful expression from the outside and tried my best to disguise it to avoid tipping off who I am behind the (un)happiness. The clapping that lifted up my heart came to a halt as I grew more obsessed with hearing approval, applause from the outside.
Stomp My Feet
It’s no wonder that Alan Downs titled his book The Velvet Rage to describe the inner struggle of gay men living in a straight man’s world. When I consciously restrained my happiness to fit the societal mold and avoid ridicule, my unhappiness was a world of anger. How else was I going to battle against the self-defeating prophecy—that my happiness made me gay—other than succumb to rage? Though I tried (unsuccessfully) to keep my anger silent so as not to draw attention to my differences, my growing unhappiness was on full display, evidenced by photos that often saw a crooked or half-hearted smile with a middle finger thrown into the mix. Or me staring down the camera in a menacing way. Or running away from a photo opp because I didn’t want to be caught in an authentic, vulnerable moment. I was ashamed to be happy; I didn’t feel like I could be. While I was stomping my feet angrily on the outside, wrecking relationships by neglecting those I loved and wrapping them up in my fury, I was mentally sinking deeper into cement that threatened to hold me in an unhappy place for eternity.
Berg helps me break free of this negative hold, sharing that “Happiness eludes us when we chase after what we want, as opposed to what we need. Our desires and cravings generally bring misfortune and turmoil after the initial pleasures and immediate gratifications have worn off. We find true happiness when our lives are spent transcending our ego-based impulses to steadfastly pursue what our souls need for transformation and elevation” (147). I know I’m happy, now…So, when did the gloomy frown (and image-conscious smile) turn around? When did I become less obsessed with gaining the applause of others, focusing instead on finding my footing toward happiness? It was about 3 weeks before my performance in Dancing with the Celebrities, and I realized I was chasing my tail. I was still in the closet to the vast majority of my network, and I wasn’t sure who to trust with my whole self. The event would be attended by many personal and professional contacts, and I wanted to introduce everyone to my fiance, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle the big outing. The most troubling: I realized I had not looked up at my face once while I was practicing my dance routine. My eyes were constantly glued to the floor. When I did finally take a peek, I was shocked: my face was frowning. The concentration, nerves, and fear were written all over it, tripping up my feet in the process.
I needed to relax, to smile. I can’t make a fool of myself! So, I brought a full-size mirror into the living room and practiced the routine over and over in my apartment, making sure to change my expression whenever I found myself frowning. It was…weird. I’ve thrown on fake smiles for photos before, but I knew I didn’t want to fake a smile doing this. The truth was: I enjoyed dancing immensely, and I wanted to let go completely. But, each time my smile widened a little too much, or if my hips, hands, or head moved a little too freely, I would hear that shaming commentary stomp through my mind, crushing the unabashed joy on my face. Needless to say, I was a bit of a disaster the night of the event. I surprised some folks with news of my homosexuality as well as my relationship; others were less surprised. I was anxious the entire time, thinking about how I needed to smile through the struggle and confusion (is this what happy is?) until it was my time in the spotlight.
Credit: NCTV17
You’ll notice, if you check out the video, that my face doesn’t really appear happy at the beginning of the dance; I was trying to figure out the delicate balance of dancing gaily but not too gaily. Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t! At about the 1:00 mark, I begin to loosen up. It might not be recognizable to the untrained eye :) but after making a slight mistake, I told myself to just have fun. I can’t say that the rest turns out exactly how I would have liked—I can’t believe how stiffly I was moving, then!—still, the experience reconnected me to that happy place I had been trying to run away from for so long. I was ready to tap my feet to the beat.
Say hooray
I know I’m beginning to sound like a broken record: I went on a trip, I learned a lot, I came back, I learned more. I understand that when I say these things, it doesn’t always translate, either; my life and the path to happiness probably looks a lot different than yours. Regardless, we all have things that we are passionate about; some of us express them freely while others hold them back. Following my toe-tapping experience, my happiness retreated back into the darkness even though I was being more honest about my personal life with those around me. The responses, again, confused me; some shared that they “knew the entire time,” others “had a feeling.” I felt my frustration rising when I considered how those close by didn’t intervene in my unhappy torment. They failed me! I wanted to cry out in anger, but then I looked back in the mirror and saw the bigger issue: I did not know what I needed to be happy. I thought it was others’ approval, their applause, but that narrow-mindedness only brought more heartache. So, I went out into the wild, and I danced. And wrote. And sang. And skipped. And jumped. And smiled, even when it hurt. I connected to all the things that brought me happiness, whether ego- or soul-based, and grew aware of how each affected my holiness.
I returned when I felt ready to share my happiness with the world openly. I intended to shine as bright as I could with everyone I met. Well, if you’ve followed along with my writing this past year, you know that my authenticity came with some unforeseen challenges, leading me back to an unhappy state. I reflected on this last March by discussing my relationship with the mirror in Reflective Surfaces; at the end of that entry, I wrote about looking in the mirror for 5 minutes a day and trying to make myself laugh. That routine only lasted a couple weeks…Fortunately, around this time, I also decided that I would take 3 photos of myself one day each week, trying to capture vulnerable moments and not just a glamorous pose. Much like watching myself in the mirror while I danced, it was weird at first, and there were weeks I was too afraid to face the mirror to snap a shot; however, the photos I did take revealed a lot.
My smile didn’t come as easily as I thought it would; happiness, at times, felt further away than ever before. However, when I took the time to step in front of the mirror and capture a moment of vulnerability, I grew more aware of whatever was holding my feet in place. I saw through the blur of unhappiness into the soul struggling to shine through. If you take a look at the full gallery, you will get an idea of how this awareness transformed my smile, my body language, and my soul acceptance (I apologize in advance for any photos that offend).
For a long time, I thought I would never have the opportunity to share my brightest smile again, to embrace the holiness that brings my life joy and purpose. Slowly, but surely, my face is reflecting the happiness pouring from my heart without fear of being judged or targeted. I know there are challenges along the way as we all pursue our unique forms of true happiness, but if I can look in the mirror and see how my joy encourages more smiles and laughs, I find that it’s not necessarily about the clapping, stomping, or shouting out. It’s about knowing—being mindful—of the eternal happiness that’s accessible at all times within and then allowing my face to show it so I can bring more light into the universe. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone!