What is Sexual Energy?
“I’m horny.” Already, I’m blushing...this isn’t the best start. It’s not that sex talk makes me uncomfortable, it has just occupied a dark space in my mind for such a long time, making it difficult to break out from the shadows. Especially when posting about it publicly. But it is, in essence, a part of who I am: a sexual being who experiences the world through my senses and explores the stimuli that piques my curiosity and/or arousal with a mix of physical, emotional, and soulful reciprocation. At least, that’s where I’d like to get to…it’s the lingering clouds of fear and shame that hold me back. Blind me. Degrade me. So what’s hanging in the darkness, then?
“Feel here.” The words were simple, but the possibilities were infinite and complex. By that age, 13, I understood how horniness manifested physically on my own body, but what was lurking in the darkness where my friend had lifted the covers? What was he tempting me to touch? It was the first time anyone really expressed something so sexual to me, at me. Was it a proposition? A dare? A trick? Looking at the mischievous smile on his face didn’t clue me in either. Well, I’m calling his bluff. I reached down into the unknown. The butterflies in my stomach took flight as I gripped what united us within our maleness while at the same time feeling how we are unique and different. Fear, excitement, curiosity, and…horniness (?) tingled through my body and mind. It was just a brief moment, but a life-changing one: my first sexual contact. What was this mix of internal and external stimulation, and what did it mean to my identity?
After that, youthful exploration took on a very different form; I was learning what I responded to sexually through contact with male and female peers and improving my sex IQ thanks to the internet. I won’t say the internet is the cause of my sexual frenzy; however, it did connect me to a vast world of fantasies, kinks, and fetishes. As a result, a part of me was hidden from the light; sex began representing a dark, mysterious place where I could explore my wildest fantasies but only in secret. The dominant, masculine male was a recurring figure in this space, and as my sexual interests continued to take shape, I reached a crossroad: male or female? Masculine or feminine? Dominant or submissive? Who was I meant to sexually connect with, and how did this shape me as an individual? This lead to another life-changing decision: to lose my virginity. It wasn’t at all special or memorable, really; in fact, I barely remember the guy. I met him online after chatting a few times. I was a high school student posing as someone older. He represented that sexualized archetype from my fantasies, a college frat boy at that. I felt the same rush of fear, excitement, curiosity, and horniness when we made plans to meet and when I saw him in person. But once we were in each other’s arms, there was no emotional connection. It was detached, outcome-driven. It wasn’t until afterwards I shared it was my first time, to which he replied, “Oh wow, really? I had no idea.”
Yeah…from that point, I was on a long meandering search for the perfect sexual encounter; however, I struggled to understand how to channel the pent-up energy that pulled me deeper into the shadows. “We are animals, we are meant to f*ck as we please,” I’ve heard many men say to justify carnal delights; wherever our sexual energy leads us is fair game, in a sense. When put into practice, though, I can’t say Penis Mind ever had my best interest at heart when I let it off the leash; my path has been full of meaningless sexual interactions. When looking back, sure, some of those experiences were incredibly hot; the fear, excitement, curiosity, and horniness copulating toward explosive conclusions. But, that energy wears off quickly if I haven’t established depth beyond the skin. Then, if I proceed, I end up feeling numb. What was the purpose of that? Is getting off all there is to sex? Shameful thoughts creep in, and I’m left either seeking approval through a new sexual encounter or condemning myself for allowing sexual energy to take control. Needless to say, when it comes to sex, it seems like I still have a bit of a mess on my hands…
Time to clean up. After exploring the mating dynamics of Soul Mate, up turned Sexual Energy in The Name Game. How fitting. It’s not that I don’t want to tackle this topic, which has dominated so much of my life; I want to do so in a sex positive way. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, this approach considers “sex to be a healthy part of life that should be enjoyed. For sex positive people, sex can be discussed without shame or awkwardness. It is not a taboo subject.” Ok, I can do this…When turning back to Yehuda Berg’s notes on Sexual Energy in The 72 Names of God, I find that “Each time a male and female unite in love, our physical world mates with the upper World, bringing Light to all existence. Thus, lovemaking is also “Lightmaking”…It’s an experience that can only be described as divine sex” (119). Aw, sh*t. Here we go again. Much like with Soul Mate, I’m in for a battle against what is deemed “natural” compared to my “unnatural” self. If sexual energy was a scientific formula, would it all come down to the 1 and the 0? I’m not talking about male enhancement pills here, though…this must go beyond the penis, just like in Soul Mate. But how do I separate the penis from sex? To find my sexual grail, I need to retrace the steps of desire for Penis Mind and discover the missing formula for my sexual energy. Will it lead me to the dominant, masculine yet emotionally connected individual of my wet dreams? Oh geez…that was gross, Matt.
We’re All Sensitive People
When I think about the wettest place I’ve ever been, I suppose it’d have to be in the womb. I mean, I did spend all of my pre-life there. I came into existence following the “natural” outcome of sexual energy. Was I already unnatural? Perhaps my parents did it wrong. I don’t know. What I do know: through the mixing of liquids (Freud!), I was conceived, growing in this wet space the parts necessary to survive life. That included a penis. Though I can’t remember distinctly, I imagine it was pitch black, but snug, like a warm hug. Of course, every hug wouldn’t be complete without a heart-to-heart moment—relaxing the mind enough to feel your heart beat along with the other person’s. And with the proximity to the heart in the womb, I assume that the overwhelming darkness never elicited any fear since the beat was a steady reminder that I was never alone. I don’t know if I was physically aware of the growth of my penis, but with the nurturing aspects of the umbilical cord, I suppose it didn’t really matter; I had all I needed in my stomach-centered connection.
Then, from out of the darkness and wetness, light! Penis identification! The severing of the lifeline, the ultimate heart-to-heart! The intense (yet blind) embrace from within was replaced by a shaped warm touch from the outside. The bond wasn’t broken completely, but as I grew, those incredibly close moments became less consistent by way of individuation. No longer was I submerged in a suspended caress; I needed to figure out how to gain that affectionate touch from others. Again, I can’t really comment on the physical awareness of my penis as I began to explore the world outside the womb, but I have touched on the Spidey Sense I experienced as a kid. Unfortunately, the harsh light of reality isn’t always a friend to bodily exploration; it wasn’t long before I was being reprimanded for my actions and reminded what was socially acceptable.
In taking a look from the outside, it is interesting to consider that what I’m attracted to in others (or at least what resonates with me) aligns with my parents’ images—FREUD!!!—my father as the dominant, masculine ideal and my mother as the emotionally-connected, feminine ideal. The problem, outside of getting into Oedipal territory, is that neither parent really represented what was “ideal” for masculine or feminine energies; they were their own unique blends of both, much like myself. Their sexual energy joined together, along with their traits, expectations, and anxieties, to create me, a perfectly imperfect organism seeking to understand how its body, mind, and soul fits into the world. However, their response to my Spidey Sense, while not shaming, was not necessarily sex positive either. It seemed that sexual energy needed to be hidden from the light. Though the desires of the flesh were boiling over, they could only be cooled off in secret.
Stop Beating Around the Bush
Hormones…woah. They are intense. Anxiety is an especially powerful aphrodisiac if you believe orgasmic release will release you of it. Yeah, not so much…I learned a lot of hard lessons running on sexual energy with Penis Mind in the driver’s seat. Cyber sex, phone sex, catfishing, exhibitionism, voyeurism, group sex, pornography, sex clubs, BDSM…to name a few…each experience spiked my sexual energy, but the pleasure was fleeting. I still hadn’t found the perfect sexual encounter. I aimlessly felt around in the darkness, hoping to touch the beating heart to eliminate my loneliness. More often than not, I wound up just touching myself. Sex positive! Still, Berg clues me in as to why I found myself in this position: “The key to this unification is avoidance of selfish sex. Self-centered desire and ego prevent a cosmic connection, and that’s when sexual energy begins to drain from our own relationships” (119). All in all, the “f*ck it all” lifestyle didn’t bring me any joy or sensual comfort. The more promiscuous I was, the more trust, depth, and basic humanity fell by the wayside. Though the deepest level of physical connection was occurring, the sexual act often lacked sustained eye contact, kissing, and body exploration (beyond the obvious areas). Moreover, the emotional and soulful connection was rarely established, resulting in more detachment. It felt far from lightmaking. The drive to get off with Penis Mind was making sex more shameful by the erection, and when I couldn’t find a sexual partner to fulfill my needs, I wallowed in self pity and punished myself for lacking the physical qualities to attract my fantasy date.
Somewhere along the way, things began to take a turn. Maybe it was the enraged emptiness I was feeling with each slap of my ass. Maybe it was the broken shallowness of each orgasm. Regardless, I began to reevaluate the make-up of my sexual energy (fear, excitement, curiosity, and horniness) and search for something more than sex. Duh, Matt. That’s called a relationship. Yes, yes, I realize that, but you do have sex in a relationship, right? And sometimes, based on the person, it could be either a significant part of the relationship or a minimal part. I was attempting to crank down the sexual energy from 90-100% to 15-25%. But why would you rob yourself of perfectly good sex?
I turn your attention to another moment in time where sex and identity interweaved: I was living in Michigan prior to my journey Southwest, adjusting to the significant change in lifestyle and anxiously awaiting the uncertainty to come. Well, you know what I said about anxiety…I quickly found an array of dominant, masculine men to scratch the itch—thanks, Grindr!—and before I knew it, I was submitting to the demands of a guy who checked all the boxes…at least the ones on my sexual checklist. Afterwards, I realized that he was an amateur pornstar who had several videos online with women and men that I handily enjoyed prior to meeting him. Hm…or did I really enjoy it? When I saw him again, there was something lacking. His demeanor, his attitude, his “dominance”…it was all for show. I saw beneath the facade down to the struggling soul within. When I tried to initiate conversation following our tryst, the responses were short. Nondescript. He didn’t want me to get to know him nor did he want to get to know me. I served one purpose in his eyes, and in many ways, I felt this was my destiny as a gay man as well. My views on sex and the formula for my sexual energy needed to change. When I refocused Penis Mind’s attention and allowed for more physical, emotional, and soulful connectivity outside of orgasm, I discovered the chained beast within: passion.
Since we've got to be here, Let's live
When searching for a scientific formula for sexual energy, I happened to find a formula for passion thanks to Healthy Living Magazine: “P=S2I. Passion equals two sexual beings joined by intimacy. If you only have the sex (S), you can have ordinary sex, even hot sex—but you won’t have passion. Passion implies a knowledge of one another—a deeper abiding connection of the mind, as well as the soul. If you only have intimacy (I), you can have a loving friendship, even a deep emotional connection—but you won’t have passion.” While I appreciate this contribution to…science (?), I’m not sure it touches on the parts of my sexual energy in a way that both empowers me as an individual and makes me a more receptive partner for others. Can I not have passion without sex? Is our passion limited to one other person? These questions lead me to Elite Daily's article “Passion Vs. Lust In A Relationship: Here's How To Tell The Difference", which included this Oxford definition for passion: “1) a strong and barely controllable emotion, 2) a state or outburst of strong emotion, 3) intense sexual love, 4) an intense desire or enthusiasm for something, and/or 5) a thing arousing great enthusiasm.” Now we’re talking! If passion replaces horniness, the former cornerstone of my sexual energy, then I can explore this intense emotional enthusiasm without feeling as limited by my penis. This opens the door to reframing the other aspects of my sexual energy as well…
Freedom: I’ve been afraid of expressing my authentic self for far too long. When it comes to sexual energy, I must embrace the freedom that comes along with it. In my skin. In my mind. In my soul. This is not suggesting a free-for-all; however, it does leave the door open to develop connections in whatever form with whomever I feel is appropriate in my heart.
Attraction: Excitement, while positive, is fleeting like my blushing red cheeks after a few calm moments. Attraction, on the other hand, is foundational. What begins as a spark grows into a blazing fire that can extend across physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries based on the individuals involved. And as a perfectly imperfect being myself, an appreciation for difference—particularly traits that exist outside my limited perspective—is essential.
Confidence: Curiosity killed the cat, as they say; I must have 9 lives considering all the stupid risks I took in effort to find the perfect sexual encounter. It’s not about looking back in shame, though; rather, the past gives me confidence because I know my limits and boundaries now. I speak up, especially when something makes me uncomfortable or upset, and I listen for any feedback from the other person, creating more harmony.
I suppose my Sexual Energy formula, then, would be something like SE=PFAC, but if I’ve separated my penis from sex, is it still sexual? Via Sensual, I’m reminded by Alan Downs, Ph.D., author of The Velvet Rage, that "The lesson here is to remember that when meeting people, you aren't casting a tableau of handsome men for your bedroom. Rather, you are looking for people with whom you find a satisfying emotional connection. These are the people who will fill your life with joy and abundant possibilities" (183). When I think about lightmaking in my life, the majority of these moments happened outside the sexual sphere. If/when I’m with another individual, the lightmaking was made possible through soulful connection. Mind you, I’m not saying that sex is negative or unhealthy behavior. No, what I’m saying is that it takes a combination of freedom, attraction, confidence, and passion to experience divine sex; it’s not just about the parts we have or the roles we play. While it’s important to understand these aspects before reaching for someone else’s warm touch, physical connection allows for growth in each of these areas if I remain sex positive. Do I want a dominant, masculine, emotionally-connected, sex positive individual to call my own, still? Sure, if one pops up along the way, I’d happily explore a potential spark, but I know my path in the light isn’t fueled solely by my sexual energy or by Penis Mind. By accepting my heart, I gain more integrity, leading me to profound, diverse interactions with wonderful people every day. And it doesn’t get much better than that.