Who is Sensual
...Who am I to disagree? It was "80's Hits" weekend on a radio station during my visit home, and I definitely listened in: "I travel the world and the 7 seas. Everybody's looking for something." Much like the feeling elicited from the Are You Afraid of the Dark? opening theme, the words of Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by the Eurythmics sent a tingle down my spine as the beat drummed into my head...it's habitual; Grindr is a staple in MATTHEW's routine, especially when I'm feeling extreme pressure and anxiety from CHICO. Sooner or later, the question is asked: what are you looking for? I certainly know how my Animal nature responds (SEX, SEX, SEX!), but how does that typically work out? The Eurythmics remind me: "Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused." Haunting...I can't say my experience with sadomasochism in any form has made my dreams any sweeter. If I'm looking for love, compassion, and hope, why am I allowing myself to use, be used, abuse, and be abused and how do I go about finding what I am REALLY looking for?
After arriving in Grand Rapids, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. They say idle hands are the devil's playthings...that is certainly true. "Penis Mind," as Alan Downs, Ph.D. calls it in The Velvet Rage, gripped CHICO tightly: "In this state of mind, you can only think about one thing---getting him into bed. It's truly amazing (and not necessarily unique to gay men), how all other states of mind become inaccessible when Penis Mind takes over...In that moment virtually nothing else matters" (183). So what, right? It's within my Animal nature to seek out and enjoy the pleasure of sex, and Grindr is my outlet for discovering like-minded "animals" seeking mutual pleasure. As the case is for most masculine-presenting, white, 24-35 year old men on the app, it's relatively easy to find what CHICO always seemed to be looking for: masculine, dominant, and discreet guys. I did...and I did. I had my cake (animalistic, meaningless sex), so why was I struggling to eat it (be fulfilled)? Downs feeds me a clue: "Just getting off and notching the bedpost doesn't create a satisfying life and close, fulfilling relationships. In fact, it very often creates the opposite effect...Acting on sexual urges is a quick way to undermine authenticity in your life and a certain way to create some uncomfortable, if not downright painful, relationships" (183). Ah, yes. By allowing Penis Mind and CHICO to join forces and become one, I lose myself in the rush of instant gratification and selfish pleasure; in turn, I blindly wander in the dark.
Unfortunately, this is the cause of significant trauma, depression, and rage throughout my life (not sweet dreams) as I've attempted to find myself through sex. It should come as no surprise though, as homosexuality is often reduced down to the sex we have rather than the intimate bonds we create. To be gay sometimes means you are stripped away of your humanity and identified as an animal. Existential shame can compound with oppression and discrimination based on sexual deviousness, resulting in exploration that uses and abuses. The worst part, I actively participate in the use/abuse cycle (a.k.a., it occurs within the community and not just from the outside). For example, in my 20's, there was a period of time that I would strike up conversation with someone living with HIV and discuss them transmitting the disease to me. Of course, the banter that went back and forth was veiled in much dirtier talk, but between the lines of the conversation, I now discover my addiction to perfectionism and the harsh punishment I have inflicted on myself and others for not living up to the "norm." This addictive behavior demonstrates a lack of love, compassion, and hope for myself. Even more troubling: my actions lack any empathy. As Robert Jensen shares in Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity, "We have to remind ourselves to exercise our ability to connect our humanity with another, to travel to that person's world and to try to feel along with another human being" (88). When I allow CHICO to reduce MATTHEW to a sexualized animal, I remain unfulfilled while simultaneously submitting others to the stigmatization, fetishization, and marginalization that I'm internalizing. This has created a web of oppression and shame for MATTHEW, which has isolated me from joy.
How do I begin threading a new web that upholds love, compassion, and hope while also recognizing my Animal nature that feels chained up? Ernest Becker points me in a promising direction via The Denial of Death: "in sex the body and the consciousness of it are no longer separated; the body is no longer something we look at as alien to ourselves...Four fragments of existence melt into one unity and things are no longer disjointed and grotesque: everything is 'natural,' functional, expressed as it should be---and so it is stilled and justified" (162). Sounds perfect, but what happens if the fragments are further splintered or unavailable? Objectification, subjugation, abuse...it seems like it can go wrong so quickly if the balance is shifted or if some of the fragments are omitted, so why do I rush to find my next partner when I understand that a lack of any of these pieces is destined for disaster?
Control rears it's ugly head again. CHICO attempts to manipulate and use others to resolve loneliness because it is uncomfortable being vulnerable. Much like "Adam" shares in "The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness," "'There are people who have lots of sex because it’s fun, and that’s fine. But I kept trying to wring it out like a rag to get something out of it that wasn’t in there—social support, or companionship. It was a way of not dealing with my own life. And I kept denying it was a problem because I had always told myself, ‘I’ve come out, I moved to San Francisco, I’m done, I did what I had to do as a gay person'" (Hobbes). You can see the contradiction in the web for CHICO then...if companionship and social support are the end goal, the "masculine, dominant, discreet" checklist will not be sufficient. So what in the hell am I looking for, then? I turn my attention back to the radio, and I hear Whitney Houston belting out "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" from the speakers (3 times during my visit!): "I've been in love and lost my senses, spinning through the town. Sooner or later, the fever ends, and I wind up feeling down. I need a man who'll take a chance on a love that burns hot enough to last...I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody. Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me." I couldn't have put it better myself, but I will add more words because that's what I do...
Much like Whitney, I've lost my senses, and I still struggle to find my way through the darkness, but I'm not sure another individual is going to help me find my way just yet. First, I need to understand what it means to regain my senses or become sensual. If I turn to Google, I'm told sensuality is "the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure; the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses." Ok, I see a contradiction here immediately. If sensuality is defined as purely physical in the first definition, it would be misleading to suggest that it could be fulfilling in the second. As Becker shared (and I'm agreeing), the most fulfilling union is when the 4 fragments melt together, with a balance of Animal/physical and emotional/mental qualities present. When people talk about sex on Grindr (including me), it's transactional for the most part: this goes here, that goes there...we finish and go our separate ways till the mood strikes again. I'm certainly not going to start dancing with those individuals since that situation does not result in love, compassion, or hope, so what is holding CHICO back? James Baldwin may have discovered the error in the web when he said, "I think the inability to love is the central problem, because the inability masks a certain terror, and that terror is the terror of being touched. And, if you can't be touched, you can't be changed. And, if you can't be changed, you can't be alive" (qtd. in Jensen 162). Ah-ha! And what was the key to (Endless) Love? Love for myself, love for the world, and love for God. So how do I practice getting comfortable with my senses, specifically touching, without plummeting into mindless and selfish gratification?
There is one practice I have made a habit of doing when I'm feeling particularly isolated, scared, or anxious. I place my right hand over my heart and feel my heart beat. For some reason, MATTHEW's left hand always follows suit, and before I know it, my thumbs are interlocked as my hands press into my chest to feel the "thump, thump, thump." This simple, sensual action helps connect me to myself, the world around me, and the higher power that allows my heart to continue beating. This has been followed by more sensual connections with nature. For example, during my trip to the Huron-Manistee National Forests, I was caught in a rainstorm but rather than seek cover, MATTHEW's senses took the lead while I focused on the feelings of joy and wonder. Well, before you know it...I had my cake (sensual exploration and gratification) and was able to eat it too (spiritual fulfillment). There was no lingering shame or confusion. There was no use or abuse, yet I was still able to have sweet dreams. If I've found the key to sensual fulfillment, then I must be ready to experience it with a dancing partner now, right?
This is where it gets tricky. I have been very unsuccessful in maintaining strong relationships because of Penis Mind's collaborative efforts with CHICO. This sets MATTHEW on a course for failure, which results in shame. Calling upon my limited memories of dancing, the foundation for a successful partnership is trust. My dancing experience tested my authenticity, vulnerability, balance, and selflessness, and it was thanks to my partner (and my trust in her) that I was able to pull together a performance that won MATTHEW "Best Hip Action" (CHICO's crowning glory). Outside of the superficial post-glory, though, the practice sessions and performance itself demonstrated how important patience and a willingness to connect are when exploring my sensual side. Certainly, not all experiences will end with sex (nor should CHICO expect them too). Grindr leads CHICO to believe that the world is separated into those people you would have sex with and those you wouldn't; if you're not someone other people will sleep with readily, you have problems that need immediate fixing. Downs shares that "The lesson here is to remember that when meeting people, you aren't casting a tableau of handsome men for your bedroom. Rather, you are looking for people with whom you find a satisfying emotional connection. These are the people who will fill your life with joy and abundant possibilities" (169-170). I need to share love, compassion, and hope with all those who intersect with my journey---not just the masculine, dominant, and discreet---so when the night falls, my heart feels fulfilled!
Some questions:
How do you distinguish what you want from what you're looking for? How does it reflect your Animal nature and/or your consciousness?
How do you find what you're looking for? Does it make you feel anything less than joy?
What does fulfillment look like for you as it relates to sexuality and sensuality?
Dontcha wanna dance,
Who (?)