What is a Silent Partner?
If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it…I think most partnered people can attest, it’s not often you find someone who remains silent in a relationship. If that is the case, it is assumed that beneath the surface, tensions arise for the individual being talked over till it reaches an explosive boiling point. Then all those things they held back are made clear, no matter how it might alter the connection, often ending in a breakup.
This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, either. When considering all the talk of partnership between non-profits and funders, the former is silenced by the latter because of the power dynamic. While organizations bend over backwards to meet the demands of those holding the purse strings, foundations, corporations, government agencies, and individual donors do whatever they want while reminding you how vulnerable you are to losing their support if you make one wrong move.
Case in point: a long-time partner has jockeyed us around over the years to leverage our numbers and stories that increase their earnings. Meanwhile, they have reduced funding year over year for organizations across the country. Recently, they had the audacity to tell the chosen few how competitive the process was and how fortunate we should be since so many others were cut that received funding before.
While I stewed with rage at hearing this b*llshit, I sat silent. Well, on “silent.” I let it rip to myself how broken the entire system is and how we are doomed because those living lives of luxury are only getting more selfish while individuals the world over are falling through the cracks and/or being exterminated.
But who even cares?
It’s hopeless. At least that’s how it feels in the current climate. At every level, some f*ckery is occuring that makes me question if every decision I’ve made up to this point has been a mistake. How did we get here? And where in the hell do we go next?!
I’ve mostly turned away from Berg’s words at this point, opting instead to venture on my own to create meaning from The 72 Names of God pulled on a regular basis again, and it has led back here to pick up where we left off. Just for the heck of it though, let’s see what Yehuda had to say about Silent Parnters: If we choose the Dark Force as our silent partner, it will allow us to keep 100% of our material wealth, but it demands 90% of our spiritual Light…If we choose the Light as our silent partner, we will keep 100% of the Light and 90% of the physical wealth. All we must do is tithe 10% back to the Light in the form of charity” (103). Um…wtf?!
I’m no mathmatecian (though 90% of my name is part of it), but where did these crazy formulas come from and why does 100% of the things he writes sound ripped from Star Wars? If I ever start to sound like that in my writing, please shoot my silent partner.
Speaking of, when prompted by this name in May, this is what I spit out, along with a recording of me playing Time to Say Goodbye: “Even as I open up about long-hidden aspects of my life, no platform can provide the space needed for my intuition to shine. This force gives me guidance in the dark and refuses to refute my destiny. No, I’m not referring to predictive AI. Today’s name is a calling to my inner being who plays along with my nonsense without abandoning me.” Sure, specific for me versus the Dark versus Light cosmic battle, but when pieced together, it does speak to something within that extends outward.
Basic Instinct
My eyes open; it’s 5:30 am. If/when it is a good night’s sleep, my body awakens like clockwork. Throughout the day, that inner pull guides me through the motions so I don’t need to overthink my behavioral patterns. Is that the silent partner at work?
While operating at an instinctual level makes it feel like I’m transforming moment to moment, when confronted by adversity, it is a toss up between fight/flee/freeze/fawn, through which I make excuses for my refusal to face things heads-on. Let’s take example writing this post…while I know it is within my best interest to reflect on this name, I cannot help but to escape from exposing my silent partner since it’s clear how afraid I am from exposing myself. Lol…that came out wrong.
Instinct becomes my savior no where better than when on a strenuous hike. Even as fear responses kick in, I’m able to override any deflection by keeping my legs moving. With each step, I gain confidence in the capacity of my silent partner and ultimately trust it more considering the apexes it has helped me reach.
Sashay Away
While instinct has helped me survive physical and mental challenges, it is not the relationship that guides me toward a more harmonious existence. Like when my eyes open in the morning, my hand automatically reaches for my phone. Just checking, innocent enough, but there are times I fall into doom scrolling, and it derails the rest of the day.
On RuPaul’s Drag Race, there is ongoing discourse about queens battling their inner saboteur while on the show, with it being described as the voice that works against them when pursuing their dreams. That’s all good and well in reality television, but that’s nothing compared to nonprofit fundraising. I question every word I write in appeals, grants, and communications, trying to determine the right equation be the path to success. Often, it’s not and that rejection holds me back from following my instinct with future opportunities.
When my saboteur starts sounding off, it begins to control all aspects of my life. Suddenly, every word choice becomes a major chore, and with loved ones, and I find myself unable to effectively communicate how that inner voice is overwhelming me. Where is that push to get me through it?
Listen Up
At this point, I’m 90% in the dark about the relationship between a silent partner and an inner saboteur; the other 10% is stressing about what to write next. When I take to this website to share my thoughts, self-doubt is always present. I’m no Berg, afterall. What do I know about being a spiritual leader?
Well, nothing, but something within is reminding me how when I traveled out west a decade ago, I reconnected with a side of myself that I refused to trust for very long. The relationship was complicated. With this expositiory experiment, each entry forces my saboteur to quiet down so I can hear my silent partner better. Of course, the longer the time in between allows that negative voice back into the mix, but if can keep it down to 10% volume, I arrive at spirtiual light faster.
And with that, my silent partner has something to say: let the inspiration that whispers sweet nothings to you be that action you take in the world, and you’re sure to get the math right eventually.