What is Diamond in the Rough?

It's 5:00 AM. My alarm brings me back to consciousness, but before I crawl out of bed to journal, my mind drags me through an onslaught of negativity. Ugh...will this ever get any easier? I'm barely awake and already I'm reminded of how inaccessible my writing is to a broad audience according to a well-meaning friend, how I've let down another friend because the direction my life is taking isn't intertwining with hers the way we thought it might, how it seems that, in spite of all the lessons I've learned and words I've written, I still feel as lost as when this all began. Where are my answers? Instead of leaping out of bed to sort through this barrage, I sleep in. I skip my journal. I skip meditating and repeating positive affirmations in the mirror. I skip my creative expression, whether that be writing, photography, sketching, collaging, whatever. I skip anything that brings me closer to my soul. By the end of the day, I'm irritable and prepared to lash out at anyone who tries to engage me in a conversation I don't want to have. I'm angry with myself for not following my heart, and this projects outward into the world via negative thoughts and selfish actions. In all, I lose a piece of myself, drifting back into a dark bleakness of my dreamworld only to wake back up at 5 AM with even more weight on my shoulders. Well you didn't do any of the things you wanted to yesterday, so why try today?

Throughout my childhood, I was proud of my Perfect Attendance awards at school. I was what some might call a "Goody Two-Shoes," since I was intent on being the "Teacher's Pet" though my focus wasn't so much on getting good grades (that became more important as time went on). Rather, I saw my teachers as caring, approachable sources of wisdom. I loved to learn, to engage in conversation, and to ask lots of questions; since it was difficult to accomplish all this if I missed a day, it made more sense for me to show up and participate. Then, things slowly began to change. I can't point to an exact moment or memory that caused the shift---it was most likely a series of different events over time that I perceived negatively---but it resulted in my tendency to skip. In high school, I would go to the nurse and claim I was feeling ill, going as far as to fake vomiting in the bathroom so I could go home. In college, any excuse was a good excuse to skip class, and I exercised my independence by becoming more disengaged. While I still loved to learn and ask a lot of questions, my motivation to do these things dissipated. This behavior followed me into my professional career, and though it was more difficult to get excused, it still seemed like a better choice to skip past the rough days.

It was in the Marble Canyon that my desire to skip finally caught up with me. What's the point of getting up today? With no one around me, it was rough adjusting to the silence of isolation. The motivation required to heal emotionally was lacking, and I questioned whether I should emerge early since I wasn't arriving at a point of clarity in the first couple of days. What's the reason for any of this? I wanted to just stay in the tent all day and sleep rather than delve into my psyche to understand the barriers that so often held me back from finding the light. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually stuck, and I was ready to throw up the white flag and surrender to my ultimate fate. Losing hope and faith fast, I pushed myself out of the tent and into the natural setting surrounding me. After a short hike, I arrived at a boulder that seemed like the perfect spot for meditating. As I sat there trying to clear out all the negativity that passed through my mind, a wave of inspiration struck me. Why are you so focused on the footsteps behind you and the steps so far ahead you can't see them? If you keep skipping by the present, how will you ever be happy? I walked back to camp considering all the negativity that the evil clown pushed in my way and realized I didn't need to be so fearful, immature, ashamed, hateful, doubtful, enraged, or isolated. I could be me: that lost boy who loved to learn, to engage in conversations, and to ask questions---the Whole-hearted, Harmonious Organism I always dreamed about being but was too busy skipping past to see clearly.

Did I find my diamond, then? Yehuda Berg helps me mine out an answer via The 72 Names of God: "The moment we shift our consciousness and recognize the spiritual value concealed within our hardships, a sparkling new diamond is formed. What's more, the bigger our obstacles, the more sparkling diamond we create!" (127). With this weeks Name Game discovery, Diamond in the Rough, I was anticipating a lot of sparkling moments with a climactic end, much like Karl Jenkins & Adiemus' Palladio 1st Movement, which you're probably familiar with from the old De Beers commercials. My favorite part is the build up at 3:20 as the strings join together in harmony to sing out the chords and arrive at the conclusion. But it wouldn't really be a song without the first few minutes of the strings testing each other's strength and ability, arriving so close to the perfect harmony but returning back to the main theme to reflect. When listened to as a whole, the harmonization and intensification at 3:20 (the diamond) is even more radiant. I arrive back at the lead question then: did I find my diamond? If so, why hasn't the perfect harmony in my life been struck to help me avoid unnecessary roughness, resulting in my desire to skip through?

The best place to begin is with an understanding of what a diamond is in general in comparison to this context. Yehuda shines bright with an answer: "Diamonds are the crystalline form of carbon. Pressure over millions of years transforms a chunk of coal into a precious jewel. In the same way, all of life's problems can be transformed into sparkling opportunities" (126). Ok...I'm already seeing that the coal in my metaphorical stocking is not "unnecessary" so much as it is just the reality of the situation---I'll have to send Santa an apology/thank you letter. When I jump into my time machine to look back at those moments I skipped out on, whether that be at school, at work, or in everyday interactions with others, I recognize that I passed by opportunities to shine. Yes, I was afraid to be ridiculed by external forces, but did I fare much better against the evil clown when I was isolated? No! And when I did allow myself to sparkle, like in Marble Canyon, my diamond in the rough---integrity---shone through, ensuring that no matter what happens on the outside, I am still whole on the inside.

Now, getting back to the initial issue: how do I maintain this level of focus in my everyday life? I'm able to distinguish the various challenges I face as necessary steps toward strengthening my integrity. I recognize how living in the present moment benefits my physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I see how my web is becoming more resilient and expansive. I can even look in the mirror again and not run away feeling terrible about myself! So WHY am I still prone to skip out on my creative interests in favor of any addictive behaviors? Yehuda clears the dust from my eyes, offering up "A word of caution: Our own consciousness directly influences our reality. Namely, if our head space is negative, if we are self-absorbed, or feeling victimized by a problem, a chunk of coal remains a chunk of coal. What's more, the diamonds we already possess will inevitably slip through our fingers, lost until we raise our consciousness" (127). If I continue to feel like a victim of the evil clown, I will never find my diamond; I need to follow my heart and take action when I'm feeling inspired, even when I arrive at an uncomfortable place.

Inspiration is a tricky customer. It always demands more and is never fully satisfied with what it gets. Since beginning this process, my heart has been insistent on attempting new creative ventures, some that push me well beyond my comfort zone. When I don't skip out, I gain more clarity and recognize the Whole-hearted, Harmonious Organism that dwells within me. I let it touch the light of day, and my inspiration is amplified. It can be overwhelming at times, which is why I opt to skip out versus trying something I may fail in, but failure is based on a nonsensical level of expectation. According to an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times titled "What is Inspiration?" writer David Brooks shares that "inspiration demands a certain posture, the sort of posture people feel when they are overawed by something large and mysterious. They are both humbled and self-confident, surrendering and also powerful. When people are inspired they are willing to take a daring lark toward something truly great. They're brave enough to embrace the craggy fierceness of the truth and to try to express it in some new way." Arguably, truth has not always been my strongest suit, which is why I have been so resistant to waking up to face it each and every day. I know what happens, though, when I begin to abandon the truth and my inspiration...it starts as a day's worth of skipping but turns into a lifetime of wondering, what if? I'm finally able to see how much I can sparkle if I just give myself a chance to explore the depths of my heart. What is inspiring you to get out and take action today?