Who is Mature
The last word...is there anything quite as satisfying, particularly during a heated argument? When CHICO plays the Blame Game and begins finger-pointing as a means to escape shame, failure and rejection, it seems like a battle to hear MATTHEW's voice last (or at least see it expressed in writing). I suppose CHICO figures if I can have the last word, I will protect myself from feeling responsible while simultaneously taking control of the situation. Whether the battle occurs in the workplace, on social media, via text or at home, the colleagues, friends, family members, acquaintances, and strangers who I battle against for the last word winds up manifesting into the same form in the End: the oppressor. In turn, I become the victim and remain blameless, yet the price of having the last word is costly as I consider how it impacts trust, collaboration, and my values. Is the last word really worth it, then, since my self-proclaimed "rightness" ultimately impacts my relationships? As Bill Plotkin points to in Nature and the Human Soul, "The evolving life of the collective---the more-than-human community---matters as much to you now as your individual trajectory because, after all, they are inseparable...you all float or sink together" (305). As demonstrated in Confident, the meaningful relationships we weave, especially those that transcend social barriers, make the threads of our collective web much stronger.
But did you see/hear what he/she/they said?!
Yes, I did, and as a result, I felt less confident and more vulnerable, which is an explosive mix. Letting CHICO off the leash in those moments can be fatal if not carefully monitored, and still it can be too late since the last word seems to hover on the tip of MATTHEW's tongue in anticipation. After all, if elements of my identity are attacked, such as my identity as a (Proud) Gay Male, then I have to take action by standing up for myself and the broader community, right? Going back into MATTHEW's vault, I'm reminded of the last word(s) I said in response to being labeled as gay during my freshman year of high school. I was sitting at my desk, excitedly talking to a friend who sat nearby, when I overheard a conversation happening in front of me. The tail end was broadcasted clearly: "Oh, you said 'he's gay.' I thought you said..." My male classmate was whispering to the girls sitting next to him that I was gay, but they needed to clarify because they misheard him. Darkness seemed to close in around me, and I felt isolated as CHICO shouted at me from the shadows, similar to the day on the school bus. Before the darkness could swallow me up completely, a light shined through---my friend asked me "are you ok?" seeing that I was on the verge of tears as, inside, CHICO had me questioning if my existence was a mistake, again.
"He doesn't know me." For a 14 year old, that is a good last word response, if CHICO says so. Unfortunately, these essentially became my last words as CHICO crafted a (faulty) web of confidence that reduced my vulnerability and authenticity but improved my competitive spirit and last word comebacks (CHICO ended up winning the Most Sarcastic mock award in high school). I failed to trust those closest to me, keeping me perpetually in the dark, because I feared the judgment that might accompany it. What if he/she/they rejected me? So, I hid in the shadows while CHICO's last word war became entangled in rage, confusion, and hate; fewer people understood who I was due to my separation. A glance back to 2016 will illustrate where this ultimately led. Not again. I need to take action (or is it inaction?) by navigating some of the cross threads that are causing this web to wobble. Plotkin cuts in: "[Immature hope] believes there's nothing we can do to change the outcome; we can only sit helplessly and hope for the best. Mature hope, however, motivates action until the outcome is achieved or abandoned. It inspires us to become the change we seek" (314). Since exploring Hopeful in early July, new challenges have presented themselves, causing me to sit helplessly as I chew on the last word(s) of my web. It's time to unspin...
Adulthood vs. the "Inner Child"
At the wrap of Confident, I discovered the importance of embracing my inner "artist child" as a creative force thanks to Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, who reminds me that "Artist brain is our inventor, our child, our very own personal absent-minded professor...Artist brain is associative and freewheeling. It makes new connections, yoking together images to invoke meaning" (13). How does adulthood factor into this dynamic as I reach for mature hope, though? Well, I suppose it's important to think about when MATTHEW felt like an adult. Was it when I turned 18? Went to college? Got my first paycheck? Based on the "weight" of adulthood, it could be that moment when I was 14 because I decided it was better for CHICO to restrain my artist child and focus on gaining control through the last word. However, when considering my actions, feelings, and behaviors as I "grew up," I wouldn't agree the maturity that I expected to accompany adulthood was weaved into CHICO's web. Plotkin adds his thoughts:
In contemporary society we tend to think that adulthood is, at its core, all about hard work and practical responsibility---earning a living, developing a career, getting married, and rearing children. Although these are in fact components of life for most of us after our early twenties, they don't yield an incisive or inspiring portrait of adulthood...As an adult, you're in the process of claiming your full humanity by the way that you embody soul---by the way you express your love for the world through engaged actions inspired by your particular way of belonging to life...you are not trying to heroically fix or save the world; you are simply participating in the world as fully as you can and in the way only you can. (309-310)
Now we're (un)spinning. CHICO was obsessed with trying to save the world but intended to do so from an isolated position. The war for the last word made my actions more immature; still, CHICO tried to control everything/everyone as an "adult." Despite MATTHEW's age, accomplishments, and mobility, CHICO was still a child itself, fighting a selfish battle to matter the most/be the best. My artist child, in the meantime, was afraid to act, so my creative passion remained unfulfilled, reducing my expressions of (Endless) Love. Michael Berg enlightens me on The Way: "Profound changes must take place before we reach true maturity. When we do, the desire to receive for the self alone that so dominated our early lives is now transformed into desire to receive for the purpose of sharing" (52). I must confront CHICO, my ultimate bully, in order to reach true maturity; however, in doing so, I risk total darkness as the final threads of CHICO's web fall. This is where (mature) hope and confidence must be weaved into my new web. By expressing love for the world (versus love for the last word), I find the balance between my inner, artist child and my mature adult. Why can't I save the world, though? my inner child asks. Well...um...(mature adult shrugs)...I suppose that's the next thread...
Selfishness vs. Selflessness
It doesn't sound so bad, does it? A destiny comprised of saving the world through creativity. As Cameron shares, "No matter what your age or your life path, whether making art is your career or your hobby or your dream, it is not too late or too egotistical or too selfish or too silly to work on your creativity" (xxii). She argues in her introduction that creativity is our true nature, which certainly pairs well with my understanding of nature as expressed in Gender Non-Conforming. So if I combine my creativity with my love, compassion, and hope, then can I save the world? This kid has a point. Cameron lends an extra hand: "The heart of creativity is an experience of the mystical union; the heart of the mystical union is an experience of creativity...we change and the universe furthers and expands that change...when we move out on faith into the act of creation, the universe is able to advance" (2). If I were to describe my creative experience, I would say it's mostly an isolated process rather than a mystical union. I sit somewhere, typically my bed or a coffee table, and type while looking over notes I jotted or books I notated.
Since my web didn't weave together confidence or (mature) hope before, my creative experience was filled with distractions, allowing CHICO to take over the process and question every decision I made. As Cameron explains, "We can charge so many things off to our suffering-artist identity: drunkenness, promiscuity, fiscal problems, a certain ruthlessness or self-destructiveness in matters of the heart" (xxv). This was certainly the case as self-destruction via addictive behaviors kept my inner child tangled up in shame, but with the web almost complete now, my vision of saving the world isn't so selfish then, right? Especially if I interweave love, compassion, and hope from my inner child and mature adult? I turn back to the comparison between me, a (Proud) Gay Male, and a white supremacist. If we both remain isolated in our creative expressions and focus on saving the world ourselves, neither of us broaden our perspective beyond our narrow version. For example, how can either of our life experiences speak toward what it means to face racial or gender oppression? If we do try, this can result in more harm than good as our creativity becomes an artistic version of the last word, and we polarize in our positions (based in white, male privilege). Instead of creativity serving as a shared thread toward a collective existence, it threatens to tear out the heart of the web.
I see how essential it is now to listen to others when completing my web; this is the key to the collective as I consider the light offered by my friend in high school. By Listening to other peoples' experiences with these complex emotions in relation to their identities, I learn more about our synchronicity and circuitry. No longer am I hiding in the dark and allowing CHICO to bully me into submission; rather, I am opening up to the creative potential within through authenticity and vulnerability, and I'm discovering the inner child in others. Perfect! Now I just need my mature adult to step in and make sure all these things get taken care of in an orderly fashion...(mature adult shrugs). Perhaps they need a refresher...
Accountability vs. Expectation
MATTHEW has been synonymous with "flake" for quite some time. How many times have I said I will do something that I never followed up on? Didn't finish? Didn't even start? In CHICO's drive to save the world by itself, MATTHEW's anxiety increased significantly as the weight of that reality set in. CHICO's call out---you're not good enough---echoed in my head, and the level of expectation seemed insurmountable. Interestingly, my responsibility was minimized because having the last word rid me of true accountability. Sure, I have had to answer to bosses, parents, pastors, and teachers over the course of time; however, a vast majority of these relationships became more focused on CHICO's ability to craft the best last word, which made these figures my oppressors. This complicates matters for my mature adult...CHICO mostly rebelled at times my identity felt threatened or I felt I wasn't being listened to (like in the Toys R Us aisles). How do I ensure my inner, artist child doesn't have the same reaction when it doesn't work out the way they envisioned? Will that stop all forward progress and reinforce CHICO's negativity? Cameron sticks around: "When we engage in creative recovery, we enter into a withdrawal process from life as we know it. Withdrawal is another way of saying detachment or nonattachment, which is emblematic of consistent work with any meditation practice...Creative recovery is like marathon training...We want to be great---immediately great---but that is not how recovery works" (6). It's clear I need to recover both my mature adult and inner, artist child through patience and understanding, but how do I protect myself from getting swept away in new expectations?
I remember an important tool from my professional life that aided in weaving strong goals: being SMART. Or, for those unfamiliar...being Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. Though applying this to spiritual exploration and creative expression is a little different, it's easy if I start small rather than try to save the world: 1) meditate for an hour each day; 2) write 3 journal pages each morning; 3) read 1 novel and 1 spiritual text each week; 4) reach out to 3 friends each day to share and listen; 5) share your authentic self with 1 stranger each day...With my mature adult encouraging me to achieve this shortlist of SMART goals (each bringing me intrinsic joy in the process), I strengthen the confidence and (mature) hope that upholds my new web. It's a good time to take stock of my overarching aspiration as it relates to what's next on my travels as I leave Grand Rapids and prepare for my trip west: I will focus on living an authentic life that allows me to share my deepest vulnerabilities with new and old friends from all walks of life, balancing the complexities of collective love, compassion, and hope in an effort to achieve a selfless creativity.
It's time for your last word:
When did you feel like an adult? How did it coincide with when you felt you were mature?
How do you express your inner, artist child? Is he/she/they closely monitored or free to explore?
How does the level of internal/external expectation impact your mature adult and inner child?
All grown up,
Who (?)