It All Began in darkness...

I am who. Is it a statement or a question? If I begin as a question, can I ever find a true and comfortable statement? If I begin as a statement, won't more questions be asked? In 2016, I began contemplating who I was after a traumatic experience jolted me awake from an existential darkness. MATTHEW, or My Anatomical Transportation & Transmittance Hub of Ecological Waste, was being dictated by a voice that repeatedly said You're not good enough. Let's refer to it as CHICO (Constantly Hounding Internal Commentary Option). CHICO told MATTHEW you're not masculine enough.., successful enough.., attractive enough.., selfless enough..Yet, with no frame of reference or standard of achievement, MATTHEW always came up short despite his best efforts. On that fateful night in 2016, CHICO finished the thought..You're not good enough...to be alive. 

Charlotte's Web has always been a favorite story of mine, but it wasn't until a recent reading that I learned more about myself, my relationship with the world, and my destiny. During graduate school, I was assigned a journey paper and over the course of the project (and beyond), I significantly grew in my understanding of whiteness, racial representation, and the perpetuation of hegemonic ideologies through media. In the same vein, I intend to share my journey of confronting my fear of death, restoring my connection to the light, and pursuing my destiny. In turn, I anticipate that I will grow in my understanding of authenticity, vulnerability, balance, and selflessness as I study, practice, and embrace these values. 

Sharing in this journey with an audience is new to me, though. I have written about a lot in my academic and professional life, but you may be surprised to learn how much I fear writing from the heart and expressing my deepest vulnerabilities due to that unrelenting voice in my head. It stole me away from my greatest passion. Through my writing, I hope I can help others weave the word for the middle of their web as I thread together my own. 

As suggested in the Gandhi quote, our beliefs essentially become our destiny, so I will begin by sharing my beliefs as they have helped me navigate through unresolved pain and negativity blocking my path:

• I believe I find the deeper, truer meaning of life when I study and share my soul and learn from others.

• I believe I am sustained by a higher power when I taste the sacrifice made for my existence and privilege.

• I believe I hear the voice of God when I listen with an open ear and a peaceful heart.

• I believe I breathe in God's presence with every breath and that I should be more mindful and respectful of those breathing around me.

• I believe that loving myself and trusting my instinct strengthens my relationship with God.

• I believe that I reveal my life's purpose when I fully embrace the light and my cosmic purpose when I fully embrace the dark.

• I believe I am WHO...a Whole-hearted, Harmonious Organism.

For those of you wondering, when I say God, life, sacrifice, soul, and cosmic, I am not taking a religious standpoint, per se. Yes, my journey has taken a spiritual route, so I intend to explore the 7 progressions Gandhi referred to (Beliefs ---> Destiny) through a spiritual lens, though I will likely be inconsistent in the way I describe the higher power, soul, and spirit. I plan to analyze other texts, guides, media, and articles to broaden my understanding of these concepts, but I will mostly focus on the expressions of love, joy, creativity, faith, integrity, acceptance, and passion that intersect with my journey as I believe these are the keys to discovering my destiny. Moreover, I will be exploring the depths of my fear and the negative emotions associated with it as I uncover the origins of CHICO.

One step at a time, though, and for the purpose of this exercise, that means testing and embracing my beliefs so they better guide my thoughts. Did you know it takes seven folds to make a piece of paper fly? I think I'll try defying gravity.

Time for me to fly,

WHO